Lost In Beauty-

Friday, March 7, 2008

It has been nearly a month since I last updated my blog. I just found myself twisting and turning, struggling to sleep, and here I am...writing.

My dearest friend whom I consider as an older brother, Chaminda, suggested that I start meditating in order to fall asleep. I was concerned about getting addicted to taking the sleeping pills. I have been taking them every night for the past month. So last night, I started it. I decided to download some soft music such as Yanni & David Lanz (Pianoists.) I find that soft piano ballads soothe me. I meditated for a short while but I was mentally exhausted from all the studying and doing my midterms that I drifted off to sleep quickly.

So, I tried this method again...and instead of drifting off to a land I love, I started crying...

Something is wrong with me. I thought. I cannot pinpoint something specific that is making tears come to my eyes.

School is going extremely well. I love going there. I always end up befriending someone new in my classes and I am always getting compliments from them. I am getting good grades and spring break is coming up. I am a bit overwhelmed with all the assignments and midterms right now but that will pass.

My family and I seem to put our differences aside. I spoke to my aunt and apologize to her for whatever hurt I caused her. She also apologized in return. My family will never be the family I dream of but I love them very much. I may be seeing them with my grandma within a week. It is always good to see my grandma having her two sons in front of her along with her 4 granddaughters.

As for Milinda, I finally heard from him. He sent me an email and that made my day. I wrote him back and he emailed me again within a couple of days. He says his mom is really pressuring him to get married. His aunt introduced him to a girl and he said the girl is not bad but he isn't ready. I told him that she would be very lucky to have him. I am actually okay with the thought of him marrying someone else. I was blessed to have the chance to love him and be loved by him for those 5 months. He also said he hope he will see me again (I would love to but I don't think it would be a very good idea since we both already agreed that it would be difficult to just meet as FRIENDS.)

I met a great person who will be in my life in the long run. Sam Lopaze. He is an inspiration. I have never met anybody as hard-working as he is. He is only 24 but I keep forgetting that he is only 24 every time I see him. He has so much maturity that I rarely see in men my age. I am glad I met him, he is amazing. I told him he has my loyalty and I promise to be there for him whenever he may need me. I finally have a male friend...yay!

I have just started to explore other religion outside roman catholic. Don't get me wrong, I love being catholic but for anyone who knows me very well, they also know that I have an open mind and I love learning about other religions, languages, or cultures. So I have been getting to Buddhism and Wicca. I have always been drawn to Wicca since I was 8 years old but never really tried to look more into it. I figured now might be a good time as any. Buddhism, well, Chaminda is a Buddhist, and I have always thought that Buddhism is the only religion that is self-beneifical and that it is the only religion that makes sense.

I just spent last night with my father and we had a good time. We were laughing literally the whole night. I am so blessed to have a father who puts my needs ahead of his. He is always concerned and looking at how he looks at me, I know he is very proud of me.

Everything is going great...and why the heck am I in tears? Why do I always slip into depression when things are going great? I fell asleep at 7am and woke up but wanted to be away from the world and just slept until 9pm.

To be honest, I feel lost and alone. My classmates tell me how I always make their day because I am always smiling...I smile but then at nights, I cry. I believe it is one of the reasons why I can't sleep... my soul is crying.....and I don't even know why....

the beauty exposed ;

Thursday, February 14, 2008

i'm way overdue for an update so here it is even though i don't really have anything significant to say, lol.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!! i believe the last time i wrote was on christmas day, wooooow. time flies by fast.

an update ; so school started for me after 4 years of education hiatus, lol. im loving every single minute of it. the people there are extremely nice. i just had a test in one of my classes, personal health, & i got a 91!!! 1 down & 3 more to go for that class, lol. sociology is one of the most challenging classes of this semester. it is very informative & the information my teacher provided about our economic situation really made me realize how corrupted politics is.

i have been doing a few things differently, health wise. i started taking hydroxycut because i wanted to lose like 25 pounds by end of march. after the first week of taking it, i noticed a difference. it actually decreased my hunger & it gave me no side effects. i bought the caffeine free. i don't need caffeine because i already have problems falling asleep, lol.

speaking of sleep, i found a remedy, not the best one, but something that gives me a good nights sleep, taking ONE simply sleep at night. if i take two, i wake up really groggy & i'd end up sleeping over 10 hours which is ridiculous.

i have started to boil some water every morning when i wake up & add a teaspoon of lime juice & honey in it. drink it like tea. it is supposedly to flush out your toxins. i do this before i drink or anything else. not sure if i notice a difference but it feels good having a routine, lol.

i bought some turmeric 3 days ago because it is REALLY good for you. it is commonly used in indian cuisine. i love spicy food & curries but i have NO idea how to use it. the day i bought it i decided to make some rice & added turmeric in it & had some chicken with it. i also had some naan to eat with it. it did not even taste like the way indian cuisine should, LOL. I TRIED! i also tried to make a facial mask with turmeric because i have moderate acne & it is frustrating when my skin would decide to be clear & i get excited & within a few days, i have 7 new ones!!! =( anyway, so i put two teaspoons of turmeric, 1 teaspoon of cold milk, & 1 teaspoon of honey & mixed it to become a paste. i applied it on my face & it was BRIGHT yellow/orange, lol. i left it on for 10 minutes & rinsed it out & my face was stained yellow! LOL. i rinsed it with milk because milk reduces the yellowish tinge. goodness, i looked jaundiced, lol. i really felt the smoothness immediately after though. i woke up the next morning with a glow on my face. i did it again last night & i woke up with new pimples. i am not sure if my skin is getting rid of the toxins before it becomes clear. i decided not to do it tonight because i realized i needed to get besan or gram flour in order to make a better paste & it won't stain my face. i will post an update on that method later. aside from facial mask, i did something i did not think i would do. i actually boiled a cup of milk and added a teaspoon of turmeric in it and drank it. i held my nose the entire time because turmeric does not have a great taste to it. again, i do not know if it helps but i will adding turmeric to my diet. one thing i noticed, it stained my toothbrush orange when i brushed immediately thereafter the drink! LOL.

enough turmeric for now, on we go to coconut oil!!! i ordered some coconut oil from amazon.com 2 days ago. it was shipped yesterday & arrived in front of my porch today!!! i was in awe with the stuff. it does smell coconutty. i do not like eating shredded coconut but i LOVE pina colada. im weird, i know. the main reason i decided to get this because i have LONG, CURLY hair which needs a lot of care & it becomes dry, damaged & frizzy. i did a research & found that coconut oil is amazing at strengthening hair. not only it is good for your hair, it is good for your skin as well as your health! coconut oil is one of the HEALTHIEST oil there is. so, i decided to use it tonight when cooking my chicken. i decided to use coconut oil instead of butter or the olive oil (it can be used in different ways) & i added some turmeric & grounded red pepper to my chicken & fried them. the house smelled delicious. i stood by the fryer with my mouth simply watering. i wanted to know if it tasted as good as i've heard & if it tasted good as it smelled. when it was ready, i cut them up & put them in my salad, & OH MY GOD! it was freaking delicious!!! it tasted like fried chicken, only WITHOUT the skin, bones, & tasted BETTER & even HEALTHIER! i am dying to know if coconut oil does live up to its fame when it comes to hair & skin. when i find out, i will post my results.

i have been drinking about 2-3 liters of water every day. im addicted to it now. i eat a bowl of salad every day as well for the past two weeks. i am trying to have a better lifestyle because my body deserves it after a childhood of rich food & fast foods.

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i just discovered my cat, freedom, has separation anxiety. she would hide under the blanket when i am getting ready to go somewhere. she would follow me from room to room . she would throw up when i am gone for a period of time. at times, when i open the door, she would be right there & it worried me. so i decided to leave my tv on when i am gone. i think that does seem to do the trick but i cannot believe how attached she has become to me. even when i am home all day, she still follows me everywhere & would want to rest on me or near me. oddly enough, when i am away from home even for 10 minutes, i immediately miss her, LOL! now who has separation anxiety>

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today was my first valentine of as a single woman for past 4 years. strangely enough, it was the best valentine i have had in the past 4 years, LOL. i cried on every of those valentine days except for today! today was amazing. my spirits were high & i was unusually giddy.

i started off the day by attending to a workshop that i was invited by this organization i do community service for. the workshop was about how the captel phone works. the workshop was boring but the people that were there were awesome. there was a guy there who offered me a job opportunity. he said he would train me to install videophones at people's homes & install videophone service on their computer. (yes on a computer, i was amazed.) in result of that, i will get $50 for every home i go & install. my instinct is telling me to go for it because i could really use that side money for my summer tuition & the debts i need to pay off. any opinions are welcomed!

after the workshop, i had this deep desire to go to the pandora's box near my favorite pizza great oaks & near my great great grandpa's shoe factory. pandora's box was supposedly a store of the mystical theme. i was afraid to go in but today, something inside me told me to go. i went in & it was beautiful inside. the stuff there was fascinating. after looking, i spoke to the owner, allison, and told her that my cousin meagan & i wanted to have a reading done but we were wondering if our hearing loss would interfere the reading in any way. she told me she has never tried but she is more than willing to. i had a great vibe coming from her. she is a self practicing witch but what i love about her is that she was raised catholic. she said i can't be called a wiccan because i believe in God & i can't be called catholic because i believe in goddesses. she said she couldn't even hurt a fly. she was really sweet & i could sense that right off the bat. she said that witches get a bad rap of casting spells & such but she said spells are like prayers. it is nothing that happens so sudden. it is something your heart wishes for. it is like when you supposedly cast a spell, you would burn herbs, but really, you are PRAYING. coming from a catholic/wiccan point of view, i understood her. she LOVES angels as well. i decided i will get a reading done by her but i would like my cousin to come with me. =) i also had to buy this beautiful angel hanging on a crescent moon wall hanging ornament. it really reflects my inner self because i always picture myself as an angel sitting on a crescent moon. =) here is a picture of it.

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as for milinda, i have not heard from him since january 3rd. i really miss him. i think about him so often. i have written him a letter & still no word. although, i remember what he said to me before he left, he asked me not to get mad at him if i don't hear from him for more than a month because the accessibility to internet/phones & such is not as easy over there than it is here. he also might have gone back working on that cruise so if he did, it would take months. i don't know. something tells me i will hear from him... someday. what we had was VERY REAL & i know he wouldn't turn his back on me. is there a future for us? i doubt this now but i will undeniably LOVE him until the end of time. happy valentine's day, my love. ♥

the beauty exposed ;

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Okay, so I was extremely bummed that I haven't heard from Milinda since he left on the 18th. I went to church tonight and I prayed that I will hear from him. It was the only thing I wanted for Christmas. To know that he hasn't forgotten about me and to just hear from him on Christmas so I know he is thinking of me.

At 3 in the morning, I got an text message with an unusual number. IT WAS MILINDA!!! He said "Merry Christmas darling. How are you? I am sorry I texted you late. I still have no phone. I am using somebody elses. I will text you soon."

I read it over and over and finally let out a gleeful shriek! My christmas spirits returned. I only wish he was here with me but getting an text message from him on christmas just tells me everything I questioned! =)

I had to enclose two of my favorite movie clips of us. The first one was the very first month we met and we started seeing a lot of eachother. I rarely remember myself being sad when I was around him. This video gives you an idea of how happy and comfortable we were with eachother. He actually knocked me backwards with his legs that's how I fell backwards and my leg got in the shot, LOL.

The second clip was on the day of the Black Friday Sale and I mentioned about him being shy kissing in public. You can tell there is a spark whenenver we kiss and there is always excitement. LOL. Milinda's expression is priceless.

I miss him... but here's some Christmas love for the holidays.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
XXXX

the beauty exposed ;

Sunday, December 23, 2007

I survived FIVE nights without him. Without hearing a word from him. This is the longest I have gone without hearing anything from him. I cannot lie. My heart bleeds. I find myself lying in the bed, desperately trying to sleep more just so I can be with him in my dreams. I sleep on the Care Bear he gave me and I am manipulated by the traces of his colonge. I find butterflies in my stomach every time I catch his scent lingering on my skin. I will close my eyes and picturing endless of scenes of the times I am in his arms, remembering the same scent that first had me weak at knees. I fight back tears numerous of times telling myself to be strong. I intend to keep my promise and make him proud. My deepest wish is to have him mine once again. I dare not tell anyone how much his absence is wrecking my soul. I try to keep faith and hope there is a tomorrow for him and I. For tomorrow, I will keep on living in our memory and hope to make it all come true...

the beauty exposed ;

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Friday, December 14th: I woke up 730 in the morning and quickly took a shower. I was to pick up my cousin Meagan at 9am. So I rushed a bit and went outside to realize the car was coated with so much snow. Without my gloves, I proceeded to take the snow off the car and the windows and shoveled a small piece behind the car so I could get out. After a couple minutes of defrosting the windows, I finally got in and backed out only to realize it was going to take a few tries to be successful. I put it back in drive and this time, stepped on more gas when reversing. Still nothing. I checked my rearview mirror and there was a guy with a coffee in his hand just watching the whole show. I did not want to have him come and help me. I dislike getting help from guys because then they tend to want more attention and I try to avoid that at all costs. Once again, the third time is a charm, I told myself. I hit the car in a drive and stepped on the gas a bit more while backing out and success! I was finally free from the mound of snow behind me.

I got to my cousin Meagan's house in Vernon around 9:15am and I was relieved I was only 15 minutes late. I got in and saw her adorable cat, Gira. Her fur was silky to touch. I could pet her all night. I was welcomed by Simba, the only dog that I know has a trait of a cat when it gets excited or happy. Simba, somewhat, purrs in her own way when she feels good. Adorable. Meagan and I looked up for directions of how to get to Norwich using the backroads because the traffic was horrific on the highways. A couple miles of delay both north and south of hartford.

We left the house about 10am and simply caught up on each others daily news because it has been a while since we saw each other in person. I had to tell her what happened between Milinda and I for that she is the only person who knows my deepest secrets and what my heart desires.

We made it to my appointment for Three Rivers Community College (TRCC.) I had an appointment with my advisor to write up memos for my professors to accomodate me in the classrooms.

After the appointment, I went to do an errand and then we went to Pub 99 to get some lunch. We had quesadillas first and then I had some caesar chicken salad and my cousin Meagan had a Roast Beef sandwich I believe. We were so stuffed. I decided to try the Mint Mocha Kiss drink. It is Kahula, Peppermint Schnapps, got chocolate and whipped cream. It was a rather tasty drink. Meagan had a sip and she felt toasty afterwards. =)

After the dinner, we went home and just relaxed. We watched I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry and then we ordered Onion Pizza. When the pizza arrived, we watched Notes on a Scandal. It was a jaw-dropping movie. I liked it. I think anyone who appreciate literature would like this movie. Although, it is not for the people who are closed minded.

After the movie, we tried to do some ouija boarding and there wasn't much success. Finally, we were getting a bit sleepy. We drank some wine coolers and then we fell asleep.

Saturday, December the 15th: I woke up puzzled. Wondering why the heck was there lights flashing on the wall. I turned and my cousin Meagan looked back at me and pointed to the flash. I looked at the clock and it was 700am. My father wasn't supposed to come until 800am. I ran to check who it was and it was my dad. I let him in and he sat on the bed and the three of us gossiped. Yes, we gossiped. =)

After Meagan took a shower, we went to a good friend of ours who takes care of Skyla (our dog), Barbara's house. I happened to come across an Sri Lankan music video called "We shall rebuild." It was in Sinhala, Tamil and English. It sounded beautiful. I wish I knew the lyrics for it all. I watched Emmy Rossum's "High." She's so beautiful.

After that, Meagan and I watched "Christmas in Boston," and I washed my clothes in between. It was such a good movie and I know my cousin would agree. I liked its sense of humor. Not to mention the main characters were good looking, a plus.

Meagan and I played pool afterwards to kill time and she won. I suck but practice is all I need.

Before heading home, we did some errands such as stopping at Shop Rite, Blockbuster to rent movies for Sunday, Burger King (for Meagan and I), McDonalds (for my roommate), Bank of America to make a deposit, and the gas station to get some gas.

After eating our dinner and a brief singing christmas songs session, we decided to play with the ouija board. We came across a young spirit named Dennis. We spoke with him for probably more than a hour. It told us things that hit right on bulls eye constantly. I found out that my grandpa is one of my angels and it was not a surprise. It just brought a smile to my face because I sensed he was always with me. It is one of the reasons why I visit his grave often and why I pray to God and then pray to him afterwards. I was his little girl.

We all finally slept pretty late. Meagan finally got to see my true colors and why I love nighttime. For some reason, the darkness is my high. It lifts my spirits up. Im odd, I know. I just hope Meagan appreciated that my true colors were shown and that she liked it.

Sunday, December 16th: We all woke up to a morning which we thought the weather would be terrible. It looked as if it was raining. I was disappointed. I wanted the weather to be as horrible as it sounded. We watched "Deck the halls," it was cute but not my type of movie. After that, we watched "Mini's first time." The movie had us going, "Oh my god!" scene after scene. It had a lot of twists. It was rather good and unpredictable.

I dropped my cousin off at 9pm and I got lost on my way home. I must have been daydreaming. After I found my way, I went to walmart to pick up some things for my roommate and headed home exhausted.

I was so glad I got to spent the weekend with Meagan. It was comforting to have a family member to be close to. I will always cherish moments spent with her. I will be there for her through thick and thin and even when everyone else won't be there for her. I will be the one standing next to her. This I promise her...

the beauty exposed ;

So much has been happening since I last wrote. I am going to try my best to give you the entire update for the past week of an emotional roller coaster.

Tuesday the 11th: I went to see Milinda around 12:30am. As usual, we ate a bit, watched tv, talked and then made love until we fell asleep around 5am. I can't remember specifically what we spoke about because it was a week ago. We slept until 2pm and I had Milinda nudging me to wake up but it took me an hour to be fully awake. After I was awake, I took a shower and he cooked me something to eat and we left to go to the movies at Lisbon Landing.

We decided to watch Stephen King's The Mist. There were only 6 other people there beside us and I just spent it most of the time in his arms. Their seatings were comfortable. The best part is where you could put the arm rest up and just be closer to someone. The movie, well, Milinda and I just kept laughing while it was supposed to be a scary movie. At the end, Milinda and I looked at each other and just kept shaking our heads and laughed. He claimed the whole movie was a waste of time and I agreed with him. My favorite Stephen King movie is "Rose Red."

After the movie, we quickly went to Walmart and got some little things and I dropped him off at the apartment so I could get my little surprise for him prepared.

I got into a sexy little black dress that had sparkles all over and some black heels and headed over to his place. I got into the main door for his house and took my jacket off and dropped my purse and my bag of clothes by the door and slowly walked upstairs. I had my digital camera turned on at the movie mode. Finally, I got to his door and I knocked and he opened the door and immediately said, "woooooow!" he suddenly let out this big smile and kept going, "I can't go. I can't go." Im glad I got it on tape so I can replay his reaction over and over. It was simply priceless.

After that, he ran to get his camera to take pictures of me in it. I took them off and paraded in just my underwear and heels around the kitchen while he was cooking us dinner. He kept saying "wow."I ate dinner with him. It was some delicious spicy spaghetti and some rice and curry. After a while, we made love and then we fell asleep. I love falling asleep to the sound of his heartbeat.

Wednesday, the 12th: I woke up and gave Milinda a kiss and told him I was going to take a shower. While I was showering, he surprised me by jumping in with me.

After the shower, we drove to Niantic. Milinda wanted to show me where he used to work before he moved to Norwich. When I got to the gas station, I was simply in awe. The sight was breathtaking. His gas station was just behind an amazing view of a body of water. Milinda said he lived in the hotel across the street and he could see the ocean from his windows. I took a picture of myself while he went in to say good bye to his old boss. Just so I can remember this day forever. I decided that maybe on a special day, I will come and book a room at the hotel and just spend the day around there. He loves it there so much. I would actually feel his presence around me if I just came alone.He took me to this amazing boardwalk. The sun was setting and the crescent moon was high above. The skies were filled with deeper hues of color. It stole my breath. I stood there amazed. Milinda kissed me and asked if I loved what I was seeing. I told him that it is so beautiful. We took a couple of pictures and we picked out some seashells as a memoir of our love.I looked at him and told him that I will try to come here more often just to think about you and I will wave to the sea for you. He said every time he goes fishing, he will wave to the sea for me as well. Our bond is --- unexplainable.

After that scenic tour, we headed out to Crystal Mall in New London. He wanted to find an Ipod wall charger that could charge the outlets in Sri Lanka but they're not universal ones. He bought me a 10k White Gold cruixfix pendant and bought another one which was the exact same I had originally. The other one was for his Goddaughter. Im assuming he wants to be reminded of me every time he sees her.

After that, we went to Best Buy so he could get a case for his Canon camera (I love it). The pictures look so much better than my already banged up camera.

I asked him if he was ready to meet my father. He asked me to meet him before he goes and I told him that should be fine. So, I drove to my fathers and I went in to get him. My father and I came outside and for the very first time, they met eachother. Two men that means so much to me finally shook hands and had small conversations. It went rather well. Milinda wanted a picture of my father and me. My father wished him a merry christmas and a happy new year and told him he wished he did not have to go.

After we left, Milinda had a smile on his face and said, "Your father is VERY nice." I smiled and said I know. He couldn't stop obsessing how my father knew he was 28 years old and that he was illegal and still did not care if his daughter was in love with him. I told him my father is not like that at all.

We went to my apartment because my roommate wanted to say good bye to him. We were there for like 45 minutes and mostly took pictures. After 15 minutes, my mood shifted and I sat down on the couch and Milinda could tell something was wrong and then he said he wanted to go. So we left. I got to the car and drove us to this pizza palace and he tapped my shoulder and asked me what was wrong. "Nothing," I replied.

Finally, I told him how angry I was because my roommate was FLIRTING with the man I LOVE! I felt very betrayed and that was why I suddenly sat down. He said he noticed it too and said that there will be guys that like her but NO guy will LOVE her. I cried. He said when I went to the bathroom, she asked him to sit on the couch and he sat ON the arm rest instead because he has so much respect for me. I asked him who would he have chose first, me or her, because in my experiences, guys always chose her. He said he would have chose me first and asked me who did he talk to more on the first night. I said, "me." He said yes and it was because he liked me at first glance. He got a better vibe from me and something about me lure him closer. I remembered that first night. I felt a bit flattered that he showed me more attention. I was still upset that she did such a thing. Maybe she did not realize it because she flirts with everyone!

He kissed me and said do not worry and that the ones that want me instead of her are the ones with true intentions to win my heart and the ones that goes for her are not worth my time.

It is amazing how observant and wise he is. I love that about him.

I discovered an odd fact right there. He told me that when he sees me angry, upset or crying. It actually turns him on. I am truly perplexed how is that possibly a turn on for anyone. I told him since it turns him on, we would have no problems with being married.

I was also upset because he was to go home at 5am and it was already 11pm and then he told me he meant 5pm on a Thursday. Finally, a smile returned to my face. We spent the rest of the night talking, eating that delicious chicken grinder, cuddling and making love.

Thursday, December 13th: We woke up and it was already snowing outside. I got so excited and Milinda thought my excitement was cute. He opened the curtains for me so we could watch the snow falling laying on the bed. We had some breakfast. He cooked for me and brought me tea. His cooking was always delicious. He treats me like a queen.

I took a shower and he left for a short time to do an errand. He came back as soon as I was ready. We decided to go outside and play in the snow. It was ridiculously cold and we weren't properly clothed. We played anyway. We threw snow at eachother. Took pictures and kissed as snowflakes were falling on our eyelashes.

We rushed inside and quickly got out of our wet cold clothes and snuggled under the bed and made love. It was the last time Id ever make love to him.

He stared at my naked body and made such a sad face. "What's wrong?" I asked. He told me he is going to miss me very much and that he loves every inch of my body. I told him he would find someone like me. He shooked his head and said no. He pointed out that Sri Lankan women don't really have big chest and that he was going to miss mine. Milinda literally worshipped my body. Having my body being his temple simply gave me back the confidence I needed.

Despite with all the fun, I was rather mean to him that day. I, later, apologized and said that I was just kind of angry that he has to go and he told me not to apologize and he figured it was why I acted like that.I ended up crying after we made love. Not knowing what I would do without him and the thought of never being able to kiss his lips again or to feel him breathe beside me panged my heart. He kept telling me how amazing I am and how beautiful I am and told me if he knew he was going home, he would still have fallen in love with me anyway.

It was around 2pm and I had to get ready and help him pack. His boss' son was going to pick him up at 3pm and bring him to Mohegan Sun. We got dressed and I helped him pack. In a hour, it was time to go. Milinda gave me his blanket, my favorite picture of Jesus (the one that was on the wall which he always prays to), a Bedtime Care Bear with his colonge sprayed all over on it, a small TV, and a couple of other things.

I had sat behind him holding him and he took out his wallet and I saw an picture of him looking pretty young and I told him I wanted to see it and he looked so adorable and young! It was his work ID. It said "Captain's Catch" on top of it and I am assuming its the name of place he worked for. I know he's worked on ships before. I told him I wanted it and he said I couldn't have it because he needed it. It was the only thing he had with his name on it and he reached back into his pocket and handed me a small picture. I looked at it and I got so excited. It was his passport picture that was taken 4 years ago, when he was 24 years old, just before he came to America. He told me I could keep it and I treasurely put it inside my wallet.

He told me when I get a new boyfriend, I have to throw out the picture and I said I wasn't going to. I asked him if he was going to throw out pictures he's taken of me and of us and papers written between us and letters I left him when he has a girlfriend or gets married. He said he is never going to throw anything relating to me away. I told him he will have problems with his special someone. He said no I won't because in his country, women do not really question a man's intentions or doings. He basically wears the pants over there. so that is resolved.. We won't even throw away anything that belongs to one another. I want to savor his memory.

He gave me a bubble gum container and told me to use it to save my coins and such and when it gets full to use it to fly to Sri Lanka and see him. I told him it would be very hard for me to see him again and that I would want to hold him and kiss him. He looked at me and told me even if he was married, he would want to kiss me as well. So I am not sure what is going to happen. As much as I would love to still have him mine an year later but there is no telling what will happen.So far, I only have $45.34 in that container.

We talked and decided that we would text eachother once a week because it will be pretty expensive if we were to text eachother everyday. We decided on saturdays. I thought saturdays would be more meaningful because normally on a weekend, people are out doing stuff and if we text eachother, it means we are on eachothers minds. I just have to wait for him to get home and text me with his new number. I just pray that the process won't take so long.

It was time for me to go. I put some of the stuff in the car with his help and then return to his house and we held eachother. I started crying as soon as I heard him sniffling. I looked at him and there were tears in his eyes. He kissed me and told me that I am so special and that he loves me. He asked me to make him proud to accomplish my dreams I shared with him. He said thank you for everything I have done for him and thank you for blessing him with my love. I told him that I love him very much and because of him I am back on the path I was once on. I told him he was my angel and that I would never forget him, ever. We kissed eachother's cruxifix and he told me he wanted to see my beautiful smile instead of tears. He wanted to remember me smiling.

So, I walked outside in the blistering snow, I smiled and said I love you. I walked a couple steps more and looked back. He stood outside and waved back at me. Wanting to drown myself in tears but knowing how much he loves my smile and I needed to leave him with a sense of happiness, I smiled with pride and hurt.

I went home and was left with immense of sadness. I put everything he gave me inside my apartment and got into his favorite sweatpants he let me keep. I did not eat at all that day but I couldn't bring myself to eat anything. I stood there in my kitchen feeling so empty.

20 minutes later, Milinda texted me saying he needs me to bring him to Mohegan Sun and that his boss' son was stuck somewhere due to the first wintery snow storm. Quickly, I changed into jeans and headed outside. The weather condition was extremely bad. I drove slowly and arrived to his house which was 2 minutes away.

Seeing his face again left me feeling relieved and at the same time, tortured.He kissed me and I drowned myself in his presence. Just minutes ago, I thought I was never going to see him again and now he's here in front of my eyes. I thought to myself, could this be real? The smell of his colonge left me realizing, this was not a dream.

Finally, we got to Mohegan Sun and I parked at the bus depot area as he ran inside to check the bus schedule. The next bus was just minutes away. My heart sank. I wanted to spend more time with him.

He turned to me and said, "I will be coming back before I fly out. I promise. I will text you."

He gave me a kiss and I remained dumbfounded and speechless. He's coming back? I knew I had to fool my heart that he wasn't because I did not want to set myself up for disappointment.

I watched him go inside and slowly I drove away with my heart foolishly hoping for his return...

the beauty exposed ;

Monday, December 10, 2007

Just as soon as I thought everything was going well, I was wrong. I always jump into conclusions. I got into a huge fight with my cousin and I am left wondering if it is worthy to fight anymore. She does not see what is going on. She is only seeing one side of the entire feud. She was upset I did come for Amaya's birthday and she has to understand I was NOT invited and I did not want to go and feel unwelcome because the chances of that are pretty high. She got pressed and told me I should talk to my aunt but she has to understand my aunt isn't the easiest person to sit down and talk to and I would constantly be defeated by her. Once she believes I am like my own father, everything else is tarnished.

I don't know. She said she gives up and I said, you know what? Me too. It is so sad because we connect in a different way. I connect each of my cousins in a different way and I cherish all of them! I am just hoping it is not the end of things because she means a lot to me.

My older cousin is coming to stay over my place this weekend and I am stoked. I am extremely broke at the moment but I am not going to let it pull me down because there is way for things to work out on its own. I will later update on what happens during the weekend.

Milinda is leaving in just 2 days and I am not sure how will I deal with it just yet. It hasn't hit me that he is really going but when it does, I just hope I can take it easily. I wrote him a good-bye letter last night and imprinted a kiss at the end of it. I will be seeing him tonight and I will let you know how it goes.

Until then, xx.

the beauty exposed ;