Lost In Beauty-

Thursday, December 6, 2007

I had to run to the library just to write in this. I have so many things bottled up inside and Im about to explode. This is definitely my little corner where I can just let everything out.

I saw Milinda Tuesday night and it was bittersweet. Milinda and I sat down to talk. He told me that the chances of us seeing each other again is slim to none. I asked him why and thought that he wanted me to visit him at Sri Lanka but he said he doesnt want me to spend money just to see him. He told me that his mother wants him to get married and that she is looking for someone for him to marry. He looked at me with such a sad face and said he is going to wish that the girl is me and that he hopes whoever he marries has such a big heart like I do. I looked at him and surprisingly the thought of him getting married to someone else did not upset me. I think I saw this coming. My heart knew. He asked me if we both were married to someone else, would we still talk and be friends? I told him I would like that but Im worried of what his wife would think or say. He said she wouldnt have to know because he has too many responsibilities once he gets married. I told him if I ever meet a potential husband I will tell the "potential" about him. I will tell him that Milinda and I were once in love but it wasn't written in the stars for us and we are more than happy to be friends. I told Milinda that I am so glad I met him because if it wasn't for him, I would still be with my ex and I would be so unhappy. I told him that because of him, I left him. Im going back to school because he believed in me and that he put me back at the right path I was once on. I looked into his eyes and said, I think you were meant to be my angel. He got teary and kissed me. It was inevitable. The talk put my emotions at ease. I am going to miss him but for the VERY FIRST time, I have loved someone and put their happiness as a priority. My jealousy did not take control... this is simply love. I now know. I hope I will gain that experience and knowledge and have a better relationship in the future.

Wednesday morning, I went to Three Rivers Community College (TRCC) to register for classes and everything went smoothly. I am going to take English K101, Sociology, Personal Health, and Computer Applications. Those are on my requirements in order to graudate for an A.S. in Human Services. I have classes from 615pm - 930pm on Monday - Thursday. I think it works out just fine because I am a night owl and I would probably focus better.

I have been having weird dreams lately and it has been leaving me shook up. One night, I had a dream I saw Freedom (my cat) just walked and laid in the sun and I kissed her and she was perfectly fine. I was around the corner and turned back and saw all of my family members around her and I knew something was wrong. Quickly, I ran back home and found a sheet over her and I cried so hard and that was the end of the dream. I woke up and held Freedom dearly. I am not sure what the dream meant. The next night I had a dream once again but it was different. I had a dream that I was out with friends and my father told me to come and visit my grandparents. I told him I would be there at a certain time but only that I was late. Just an hour late and my father told me my grandma has been asking for me and I told him I will be there in like 20 minutes. When I got there, she was gone. I cried. I was left with so much guilt. She was waiting for me and asking for me and I wasnt there before she left. She died in a church which was odd to me and the setting was familiar. Ive had a dream about the place before but I never went to such place. The other strange fact about it was my grandpa was alive in the dream. I was left confused. Again, Im not sure what the dream meant. If I had to guess, I would think that it was telling me I should see her more often. Im scared to dream...

This month is chaotic. Saturday, I have to pick up Skyla and bring her to Milindas house and then drop her off at Barbaras house around midnight. Sunday, Im going to go to Vernon and see my cousin Meagan. Monday - Wednesday, I will be with Milinda as I say my good byes. Thursday, probably clean up the apartment. Friday - Sunday, I will be having a slumber party with my cousin Meagan over. Friday morning, I will have an appointment with my advisor from TRCC to write memos to professors about accommodations in the classroom. Monday the 17th, I will be getting my new digital hearing aids!!! That's all I know for now.

I am truly furious right now. Its december 6th and Christine hasnt even send in her application to Gallaudet University. So, I told her she can pay $90 for the rent and SUBMIT her application tomorrow (friday december 7th) NO LATER! And that she has to owe me $20 for her rent. Im truly pissed and a bit stressed out because if she doesnt get accepted that means she will take the car and I will be left without any transportation and I need it in order to go to school and work. sigh. I don't know because Gallaudet is going to be on its christmas break and there wouldnt be anyone there until the spring semester starts and she is applying for the spring semester. ARGH! I feel so used. I let her stay so she can go to school and get back on her feet but instead she blows it all off and ends up nowhere better? She has been procrastinating everything as if nothing means anything to her. I told her that she disgusts me.

Okay, now that I have vented. I think I feel a little bit better... hopefully.

This is supposed to be a season of joy, blah, not feeling it.

the beauty exposed ;