goddess of love

2008-03-07T04:46:00.005-05:00

It has been nearly a month since I last updated my blog. I just found myself twisting and turning, struggling to sleep, and here I am...writing.

My dearest friend whom I consider as an older brother, Chaminda, suggested that I start meditating in order to fall asleep. I was concerned about getting addicted to taking the sleeping pills. I have been taking them every night for the past month. So last night, I started it. I decided to download some soft music such as Yanni & David Lanz (Pianoists.) I find that soft piano ballads soothe me. I meditated for a short while but I was mentally exhausted from all the studying and doing my midterms that I drifted off to sleep quickly.

So, I tried this method again...and instead of drifting off to a land I love, I started crying...

Something is wrong with me. I thought. I cannot pinpoint something specific that is making tears come to my eyes.

School is going extremely well. I love going there. I always end up befriending someone new in my classes and I am always getting compliments from them. I am getting good grades and spring break is coming up. I am a bit overwhelmed with all the assignments and midterms right now but that will pass.

My family and I seem to put our differences aside. I spoke to my aunt and apologize to her for whatever hurt I caused her. She also apologized in return. My family will never be the family I dream of but I love them very much. I may be seeing them with my grandma within a week. It is always good to see my grandma having her two sons in front of her along with her 4 granddaughters.

As for Milinda, I finally heard from him. He sent me an email and that made my day. I wrote him back and he emailed me again within a couple of days. He says his mom is really pressuring him to get married. His aunt introduced him to a girl and he said the girl is not bad but he isn't ready. I told him that she would be very lucky to have him. I am actually okay with the thought of him marrying someone else. I was blessed to have the chance to love him and be loved by him for those 5 months. He also said he hope he will see me again (I would love to but I don't think it would be a very good idea since we both already agreed that it would be difficult to just meet as FRIENDS.)

I met a great person who will be in my life in the long run. Sam Lopaze. He is an inspiration. I have never met anybody as hard-working as he is. He is only 24 but I keep forgetting that he is only 24 every time I see him. He has so much maturity that I rarely see in men my age. I am glad I met him, he is amazing. I told him he has my loyalty and I promise to be there for him whenever he may need me. I finally have a male friend...yay!

I have just started to explore other religion outside roman catholic. Don't get me wrong, I love being catholic but for anyone who knows me very well, they also know that I have an open mind and I love learning about other religions, languages, or cultures. So I have been getting to Buddhism and Wicca. I have always been drawn to Wicca since I was 8 years old but never really tried to look more into it. I figured now might be a good time as any. Buddhism, well, Chaminda is a Buddhist, and I have always thought that Buddhism is the only religion that is self-beneifical and that it is the only religion that makes sense.

I just spent last night with my father and we had a good time. We were laughing literally the whole night. I am so blessed to have a father who puts my needs ahead of his. He is always concerned and looking at how he looks at me, I know he is very proud of me.

Everything is going great...and why the heck am I in tears? Why do I always slip into depression when things are going great? I fell asleep at 7am and woke up but wanted to be away from the world and just slept until 9pm.

To be honest, I feel lost and alone. My classmates tell me how I always make their day because I am always smiling...I smile but then at nights, I cry. I believe it is one of the reasons why I can't sleep... my soul is crying.....and I don't even know why....

2008-02-14T22:52:00.014-05:00

i'm way overdue for an update so here it is even though i don't really have anything significant to say, lol.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!! i believe the last time i wrote was on christmas day, wooooow. time flies by fast.

an update ; so school started for me after 4 years of education hiatus, lol. im loving every single minute of it. the people there are extremely nice. i just had a test in one of my classes, personal health, & i got a 91!!! 1 down & 3 more to go for that class, lol. sociology is one of the most challenging classes of this semester. it is very informative & the information my teacher provided about our economic situation really made me realize how corrupted politics is.

i have been doing a few things differently, health wise. i started taking hydroxycut because i wanted to lose like 25 pounds by end of march. after the first week of taking it, i noticed a difference. it actually decreased my hunger & it gave me no side effects. i bought the caffeine free. i don't need caffeine because i already have problems falling asleep, lol.

speaking of sleep, i found a remedy, not the best one, but something that gives me a good nights sleep, taking ONE simply sleep at night. if i take two, i wake up really groggy & i'd end up sleeping over 10 hours which is ridiculous.

i have started to boil some water every morning when i wake up & add a teaspoon of lime juice & honey in it. drink it like tea. it is supposedly to flush out your toxins. i do this before i drink or anything else. not sure if i notice a difference but it feels good having a routine, lol.

i bought some turmeric 3 days ago because it is REALLY good for you. it is commonly used in indian cuisine. i love spicy food & curries but i have NO idea how to use it. the day i bought it i decided to make some rice & added turmeric in it & had some chicken with it. i also had some naan to eat with it. it did not even taste like the way indian cuisine should, LOL. I TRIED! i also tried to make a facial mask with turmeric because i have moderate acne & it is frustrating when my skin would decide to be clear & i get excited & within a few days, i have 7 new ones!!! =( anyway, so i put two teaspoons of turmeric, 1 teaspoon of cold milk, & 1 teaspoon of honey & mixed it to become a paste. i applied it on my face & it was BRIGHT yellow/orange, lol. i left it on for 10 minutes & rinsed it out & my face was stained yellow! LOL. i rinsed it with milk because milk reduces the yellowish tinge. goodness, i looked jaundiced, lol. i really felt the smoothness immediately after though. i woke up the next morning with a glow on my face. i did it again last night & i woke up with new pimples. i am not sure if my skin is getting rid of the toxins before it becomes clear. i decided not to do it tonight because i realized i needed to get besan or gram flour in order to make a better paste & it won't stain my face. i will post an update on that method later. aside from facial mask, i did something i did not think i would do. i actually boiled a cup of milk and added a teaspoon of turmeric in it and drank it. i held my nose the entire time because turmeric does not have a great taste to it. again, i do not know if it helps but i will adding turmeric to my diet. one thing i noticed, it stained my toothbrush orange when i brushed immediately thereafter the drink! LOL.

enough turmeric for now, on we go to coconut oil!!! i ordered some coconut oil from amazon.com 2 days ago. it was shipped yesterday & arrived in front of my porch today!!! i was in awe with the stuff. it does smell coconutty. i do not like eating shredded coconut but i LOVE pina colada. im weird, i know. the main reason i decided to get this because i have LONG, CURLY hair which needs a lot of care & it becomes dry, damaged & frizzy. i did a research & found that coconut oil is amazing at strengthening hair. not only it is good for your hair, it is good for your skin as well as your health! coconut oil is one of the HEALTHIEST oil there is. so, i decided to use it tonight when cooking my chicken. i decided to use coconut oil instead of butter or the olive oil (it can be used in different ways) & i added some turmeric & grounded red pepper to my chicken & fried them. the house smelled delicious. i stood by the fryer with my mouth simply watering. i wanted to know if it tasted as good as i've heard & if it tasted good as it smelled. when it was ready, i cut them up & put them in my salad, & OH MY GOD! it was freaking delicious!!! it tasted like fried chicken, only WITHOUT the skin, bones, & tasted BETTER & even HEALTHIER! i am dying to know if coconut oil does live up to its fame when it comes to hair & skin. when i find out, i will post my results.

i have been drinking about 2-3 liters of water every day. im addicted to it now. i eat a bowl of salad every day as well for the past two weeks. i am trying to have a better lifestyle because my body deserves it after a childhood of rich food & fast foods.

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i just discovered my cat, freedom, has separation anxiety. she would hide under the blanket when i am getting ready to go somewhere. she would follow me from room to room . she would throw up when i am gone for a period of time. at times, when i open the door, she would be right there & it worried me. so i decided to leave my tv on when i am gone. i think that does seem to do the trick but i cannot believe how attached she has become to me. even when i am home all day, she still follows me everywhere & would want to rest on me or near me. oddly enough, when i am away from home even for 10 minutes, i immediately miss her, LOL! now who has separation anxiety>

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today was my first valentine of as a single woman for past 4 years. strangely enough, it was the best valentine i have had in the past 4 years, LOL. i cried on every of those valentine days except for today! today was amazing. my spirits were high & i was unusually giddy.

i started off the day by attending to a workshop that i was invited by this organization i do community service for. the workshop was about how the captel phone works. the workshop was boring but the people that were there were awesome. there was a guy there who offered me a job opportunity. he said he would train me to install videophones at people's homes & install videophone service on their computer. (yes on a computer, i was amazed.) in result of that, i will get $50 for every home i go & install. my instinct is telling me to go for it because i could really use that side money for my summer tuition & the debts i need to pay off. any opinions are welcomed!

after the workshop, i had this deep desire to go to the pandora's box near my favorite pizza great oaks & near my great great grandpa's shoe factory. pandora's box was supposedly a store of the mystical theme. i was afraid to go in but today, something inside me told me to go. i went in & it was beautiful inside. the stuff there was fascinating. after looking, i spoke to the owner, allison, and told her that my cousin meagan & i wanted to have a reading done but we were wondering if our hearing loss would interfere the reading in any way. she told me she has never tried but she is more than willing to. i had a great vibe coming from her. she is a self practicing witch but what i love about her is that she was raised catholic. she said i can't be called a wiccan because i believe in God & i can't be called catholic because i believe in goddesses. she said she couldn't even hurt a fly. she was really sweet & i could sense that right off the bat. she said that witches get a bad rap of casting spells & such but she said spells are like prayers. it is nothing that happens so sudden. it is something your heart wishes for. it is like when you supposedly cast a spell, you would burn herbs, but really, you are PRAYING. coming from a catholic/wiccan point of view, i understood her. she LOVES angels as well. i decided i will get a reading done by her but i would like my cousin to come with me. =) i also had to buy this beautiful angel hanging on a crescent moon wall hanging ornament. it really reflects my inner self because i always picture myself as an angel sitting on a crescent moon. =) here is a picture of it.

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as for milinda, i have not heard from him since january 3rd. i really miss him. i think about him so often. i have written him a letter & still no word. although, i remember what he said to me before he left, he asked me not to get mad at him if i don't hear from him for more than a month because the accessibility to internet/phones & such is not as easy over there than it is here. he also might have gone back working on that cruise so if he did, it would take months. i don't know. something tells me i will hear from him... someday. what we had was VERY REAL & i know he wouldn't turn his back on me. is there a future for us? i doubt this now but i will undeniably LOVE him until the end of time. happy valentine's day, my love. ♥

Christmas prayers being answered

2007-12-25T04:59:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I was extremely bummed that I haven't heard from Milinda since he left on the 18th. I went to church tonight and I prayed that I will hear from him. It was the only thing I wanted for Christmas. To know that he hasn't forgotten about me and to just hear from him on Christmas so I know he is thinking of me.

At 3 in the morning, I got an text message with an unusual number. IT WAS MILINDA!!! He said "Merry Christmas darling. How are you? I am sorry I texted you late. I still have no phone. I am using somebody elses. I will text you soon."

I read it over and over and finally let out a gleeful shriek! My christmas spirits returned. I only wish he was here with me but getting an text message from him on christmas just tells me everything I questioned! =)

I had to enclose two of my favorite movie clips of us. The first one was the very first month we met and we started seeing a lot of eachother. I rarely remember myself being sad when I was around him. This video gives you an idea of how happy and comfortable we were with eachother. He actually knocked me backwards with his legs that's how I fell backwards and my leg got in the shot, LOL.

The second clip was on the day of the Black Friday Sale and I mentioned about him being shy kissing in public. You can tell there is a spark whenenver we kiss and there is always excitement. LOL. Milinda's expression is priceless.

I miss him... but here's some Christmas love for the holidays.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
XXXX

secretly in pain

2007-12-23T05:26:00.001-05:00

I survived FIVE nights without him. Without hearing a word from him. This is the longest I have gone without hearing anything from him. I cannot lie. My heart bleeds. I find myself lying in the bed, desperately trying to sleep more just so I can be with him in my dreams. I sleep on the Care Bear he gave me and I am manipulated by the traces of his colonge. I find butterflies in my stomach every time I catch his scent lingering on my skin. I will close my eyes and picturing endless of scenes of the times I am in his arms, remembering the same scent that first had me weak at knees. I fight back tears numerous of times telling myself to be strong. I intend to keep my promise and make him proud. My deepest wish is to have him mine once again. I dare not tell anyone how much his absence is wrecking my soul. I try to keep faith and hope there is a tomorrow for him and I. For tomorrow, I will keep on living in our memory and hope to make it all come true...

a weekend well needed

2007-12-22T18:12:00.000-05:00

Friday, December 14th: I woke up 730 in the morning and quickly took a shower. I was to pick up my cousin Meagan at 9am. So I rushed a bit and went outside to realize the car was coated with so much snow. Without my gloves, I proceeded to take the snow off the car and the windows and shoveled a small piece behind the car so I could get out. After a couple minutes of defrosting the windows, I finally got in and backed out only to realize it was going to take a few tries to be successful. I put it back in drive and this time, stepped on more gas when reversing. Still nothing. I checked my rearview mirror and there was a guy with a coffee in his hand just watching the whole show. I did not want to have him come and help me. I dislike getting help from guys because then they tend to want more attention and I try to avoid that at all costs. Once again, the third time is a charm, I told myself. I hit the car in a drive and stepped on the gas a bit more while backing out and success! I was finally free from the mound of snow behind me.

I got to my cousin Meagan's house in Vernon around 9:15am and I was relieved I was only 15 minutes late. I got in and saw her adorable cat, Gira. Her fur was silky to touch. I could pet her all night. I was welcomed by Simba, the only dog that I know has a trait of a cat when it gets excited or happy. Simba, somewhat, purrs in her own way when she feels good. Adorable. Meagan and I looked up for directions of how to get to Norwich using the backroads because the traffic was horrific on the highways. A couple miles of delay both north and south of hartford.

We left the house about 10am and simply caught up on each others daily news because it has been a while since we saw each other in person. I had to tell her what happened between Milinda and I for that she is the only person who knows my deepest secrets and what my heart desires.

We made it to my appointment for Three Rivers Community College (TRCC.) I had an appointment with my advisor to write up memos for my professors to accomodate me in the classrooms.

After the appointment, I went to do an errand and then we went to Pub 99 to get some lunch. We had quesadillas first and then I had some caesar chicken salad and my cousin Meagan had a Roast Beef sandwich I believe. We were so stuffed. I decided to try the Mint Mocha Kiss drink. It is Kahula, Peppermint Schnapps, got chocolate and whipped cream. It was a rather tasty drink. Meagan had a sip and she felt toasty afterwards. =)

After the dinner, we went home and just relaxed. We watched I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry and then we ordered Onion Pizza. When the pizza arrived, we watched Notes on a Scandal. It was a jaw-dropping movie. I liked it. I think anyone who appreciate literature would like this movie. Although, it is not for the people who are closed minded.

After the movie, we tried to do some ouija boarding and there wasn't much success. Finally, we were getting a bit sleepy. We drank some wine coolers and then we fell asleep.

Saturday, December the 15th: I woke up puzzled. Wondering why the heck was there lights flashing on the wall. I turned and my cousin Meagan looked back at me and pointed to the flash. I looked at the clock and it was 700am. My father wasn't supposed to come until 800am. I ran to check who it was and it was my dad. I let him in and he sat on the bed and the three of us gossiped. Yes, we gossiped. =)

After Meagan took a shower, we went to a good friend of ours who takes care of Skyla (our dog), Barbara's house. I happened to come across an Sri Lankan music video called "We shall rebuild." It was in Sinhala, Tamil and English. It sounded beautiful. I wish I knew the lyrics for it all. I watched Emmy Rossum's "High." She's so beautiful.

After that, Meagan and I watched "Christmas in Boston," and I washed my clothes in between. It was such a good movie and I know my cousin would agree. I liked its sense of humor. Not to mention the main characters were good looking, a plus.

Meagan and I played pool afterwards to kill time and she won. I suck but practice is all I need.

Before heading home, we did some errands such as stopping at Shop Rite, Blockbuster to rent movies for Sunday, Burger King (for Meagan and I), McDonalds (for my roommate), Bank of America to make a deposit, and the gas station to get some gas.

After eating our dinner and a brief singing christmas songs session, we decided to play with the ouija board. We came across a young spirit named Dennis. We spoke with him for probably more than a hour. It told us things that hit right on bulls eye constantly. I found out that my grandpa is one of my angels and it was not a surprise. It just brought a smile to my face because I sensed he was always with me. It is one of the reasons why I visit his grave often and why I pray to God and then pray to him afterwards. I was his little girl.

We all finally slept pretty late. Meagan finally got to see my true colors and why I love nighttime. For some reason, the darkness is my high. It lifts my spirits up. Im odd, I know. I just hope Meagan appreciated that my true colors were shown and that she liked it.

Sunday, December 16th: We all woke up to a morning which we thought the weather would be terrible. It looked as if it was raining. I was disappointed. I wanted the weather to be as horrible as it sounded. We watched "Deck the halls," it was cute but not my type of movie. After that, we watched "Mini's first time." The movie had us going, "Oh my god!" scene after scene. It had a lot of twists. It was rather good and unpredictable.

I dropped my cousin off at 9pm and I got lost on my way home. I must have been daydreaming. After I found my way, I went to walmart to pick up some things for my roommate and headed home exhausted.

I was so glad I got to spent the weekend with Meagan. It was comforting to have a family member to be close to. I will always cherish moments spent with her. I will be there for her through thick and thin and even when everyone else won't be there for her. I will be the one standing next to her. This I promise her...

To say goodbye or not...

2007-12-22T17:34:00.000-05:00

So much has been happening since I last wrote. I am going to try my best to give you the entire update for the past week of an emotional roller coaster.

Tuesday the 11th: I went to see Milinda around 12:30am. As usual, we ate a bit, watched tv, talked and then made love until we fell asleep around 5am. I can't remember specifically what we spoke about because it was a week ago. We slept until 2pm and I had Milinda nudging me to wake up but it took me an hour to be fully awake. After I was awake, I took a shower and he cooked me something to eat and we left to go to the movies at Lisbon Landing.

We decided to watch Stephen King's The Mist. There were only 6 other people there beside us and I just spent it most of the time in his arms. Their seatings were comfortable. The best part is where you could put the arm rest up and just be closer to someone. The movie, well, Milinda and I just kept laughing while it was supposed to be a scary movie. At the end, Milinda and I looked at each other and just kept shaking our heads and laughed. He claimed the whole movie was a waste of time and I agreed with him. My favorite Stephen King movie is "Rose Red."

After the movie, we quickly went to Walmart and got some little things and I dropped him off at the apartment so I could get my little surprise for him prepared.

I got into a sexy little black dress that had sparkles all over and some black heels and headed over to his place. I got into the main door for his house and took my jacket off and dropped my purse and my bag of clothes by the door and slowly walked upstairs. I had my digital camera turned on at the movie mode. Finally, I got to his door and I knocked and he opened the door and immediately said, "woooooow!" he suddenly let out this big smile and kept going, "I can't go. I can't go." Im glad I got it on tape so I can replay his reaction over and over. It was simply priceless.

After that, he ran to get his camera to take pictures of me in it. I took them off and paraded in just my underwear and heels around the kitchen while he was cooking us dinner. He kept saying "wow."I ate dinner with him. It was some delicious spicy spaghetti and some rice and curry. After a while, we made love and then we fell asleep. I love falling asleep to the sound of his heartbeat.

Wednesday, the 12th: I woke up and gave Milinda a kiss and told him I was going to take a shower. While I was showering, he surprised me by jumping in with me.

After the shower, we drove to Niantic. Milinda wanted to show me where he used to work before he moved to Norwich. When I got to the gas station, I was simply in awe. The sight was breathtaking. His gas station was just behind an amazing view of a body of water. Milinda said he lived in the hotel across the street and he could see the ocean from his windows. I took a picture of myself while he went in to say good bye to his old boss. Just so I can remember this day forever. I decided that maybe on a special day, I will come and book a room at the hotel and just spend the day around there. He loves it there so much. I would actually feel his presence around me if I just came alone.He took me to this amazing boardwalk. The sun was setting and the crescent moon was high above. The skies were filled with deeper hues of color. It stole my breath. I stood there amazed. Milinda kissed me and asked if I loved what I was seeing. I told him that it is so beautiful. We took a couple of pictures and we picked out some seashells as a memoir of our love.I looked at him and told him that I will try to come here more often just to think about you and I will wave to the sea for you. He said every time he goes fishing, he will wave to the sea for me as well. Our bond is --- unexplainable.

After that scenic tour, we headed out to Crystal Mall in New London. He wanted to find an Ipod wall charger that could charge the outlets in Sri Lanka but they're not universal ones. He bought me a 10k White Gold cruixfix pendant and bought another one which was the exact same I had originally. The other one was for his Goddaughter. Im assuming he wants to be reminded of me every time he sees her.

After that, we went to Best Buy so he could get a case for his Canon camera (I love it). The pictures look so much better than my already banged up camera.

I asked him if he was ready to meet my father. He asked me to meet him before he goes and I told him that should be fine. So, I drove to my fathers and I went in to get him. My father and I came outside and for the very first time, they met eachother. Two men that means so much to me finally shook hands and had small conversations. It went rather well. Milinda wanted a picture of my father and me. My father wished him a merry christmas and a happy new year and told him he wished he did not have to go.

After we left, Milinda had a smile on his face and said, "Your father is VERY nice." I smiled and said I know. He couldn't stop obsessing how my father knew he was 28 years old and that he was illegal and still did not care if his daughter was in love with him. I told him my father is not like that at all.

We went to my apartment because my roommate wanted to say good bye to him. We were there for like 45 minutes and mostly took pictures. After 15 minutes, my mood shifted and I sat down on the couch and Milinda could tell something was wrong and then he said he wanted to go. So we left. I got to the car and drove us to this pizza palace and he tapped my shoulder and asked me what was wrong. "Nothing," I replied.

Finally, I told him how angry I was because my roommate was FLIRTING with the man I LOVE! I felt very betrayed and that was why I suddenly sat down. He said he noticed it too and said that there will be guys that like her but NO guy will LOVE her. I cried. He said when I went to the bathroom, she asked him to sit on the couch and he sat ON the arm rest instead because he has so much respect for me. I asked him who would he have chose first, me or her, because in my experiences, guys always chose her. He said he would have chose me first and asked me who did he talk to more on the first night. I said, "me." He said yes and it was because he liked me at first glance. He got a better vibe from me and something about me lure him closer. I remembered that first night. I felt a bit flattered that he showed me more attention. I was still upset that she did such a thing. Maybe she did not realize it because she flirts with everyone!

He kissed me and said do not worry and that the ones that want me instead of her are the ones with true intentions to win my heart and the ones that goes for her are not worth my time.

It is amazing how observant and wise he is. I love that about him.

I discovered an odd fact right there. He told me that when he sees me angry, upset or crying. It actually turns him on. I am truly perplexed how is that possibly a turn on for anyone. I told him since it turns him on, we would have no problems with being married.

I was also upset because he was to go home at 5am and it was already 11pm and then he told me he meant 5pm on a Thursday. Finally, a smile returned to my face. We spent the rest of the night talking, eating that delicious chicken grinder, cuddling and making love.

Thursday, December 13th: We woke up and it was already snowing outside. I got so excited and Milinda thought my excitement was cute. He opened the curtains for me so we could watch the snow falling laying on the bed. We had some breakfast. He cooked for me and brought me tea. His cooking was always delicious. He treats me like a queen.

I took a shower and he left for a short time to do an errand. He came back as soon as I was ready. We decided to go outside and play in the snow. It was ridiculously cold and we weren't properly clothed. We played anyway. We threw snow at eachother. Took pictures and kissed as snowflakes were falling on our eyelashes.

We rushed inside and quickly got out of our wet cold clothes and snuggled under the bed and made love. It was the last time Id ever make love to him.

He stared at my naked body and made such a sad face. "What's wrong?" I asked. He told me he is going to miss me very much and that he loves every inch of my body. I told him he would find someone like me. He shooked his head and said no. He pointed out that Sri Lankan women don't really have big chest and that he was going to miss mine. Milinda literally worshipped my body. Having my body being his temple simply gave me back the confidence I needed.

Despite with all the fun, I was rather mean to him that day. I, later, apologized and said that I was just kind of angry that he has to go and he told me not to apologize and he figured it was why I acted like that.I ended up crying after we made love. Not knowing what I would do without him and the thought of never being able to kiss his lips again or to feel him breathe beside me panged my heart. He kept telling me how amazing I am and how beautiful I am and told me if he knew he was going home, he would still have fallen in love with me anyway.

It was around 2pm and I had to get ready and help him pack. His boss' son was going to pick him up at 3pm and bring him to Mohegan Sun. We got dressed and I helped him pack. In a hour, it was time to go. Milinda gave me his blanket, my favorite picture of Jesus (the one that was on the wall which he always prays to), a Bedtime Care Bear with his colonge sprayed all over on it, a small TV, and a couple of other things.

I had sat behind him holding him and he took out his wallet and I saw an picture of him looking pretty young and I told him I wanted to see it and he looked so adorable and young! It was his work ID. It said "Captain's Catch" on top of it and I am assuming its the name of place he worked for. I know he's worked on ships before. I told him I wanted it and he said I couldn't have it because he needed it. It was the only thing he had with his name on it and he reached back into his pocket and handed me a small picture. I looked at it and I got so excited. It was his passport picture that was taken 4 years ago, when he was 24 years old, just before he came to America. He told me I could keep it and I treasurely put it inside my wallet.

He told me when I get a new boyfriend, I have to throw out the picture and I said I wasn't going to. I asked him if he was going to throw out pictures he's taken of me and of us and papers written between us and letters I left him when he has a girlfriend or gets married. He said he is never going to throw anything relating to me away. I told him he will have problems with his special someone. He said no I won't because in his country, women do not really question a man's intentions or doings. He basically wears the pants over there. so that is resolved.. We won't even throw away anything that belongs to one another. I want to savor his memory.

He gave me a bubble gum container and told me to use it to save my coins and such and when it gets full to use it to fly to Sri Lanka and see him. I told him it would be very hard for me to see him again and that I would want to hold him and kiss him. He looked at me and told me even if he was married, he would want to kiss me as well. So I am not sure what is going to happen. As much as I would love to still have him mine an year later but there is no telling what will happen.So far, I only have $45.34 in that container.

We talked and decided that we would text eachother once a week because it will be pretty expensive if we were to text eachother everyday. We decided on saturdays. I thought saturdays would be more meaningful because normally on a weekend, people are out doing stuff and if we text eachother, it means we are on eachothers minds. I just have to wait for him to get home and text me with his new number. I just pray that the process won't take so long.

It was time for me to go. I put some of the stuff in the car with his help and then return to his house and we held eachother. I started crying as soon as I heard him sniffling. I looked at him and there were tears in his eyes. He kissed me and told me that I am so special and that he loves me. He asked me to make him proud to accomplish my dreams I shared with him. He said thank you for everything I have done for him and thank you for blessing him with my love. I told him that I love him very much and because of him I am back on the path I was once on. I told him he was my angel and that I would never forget him, ever. We kissed eachother's cruxifix and he told me he wanted to see my beautiful smile instead of tears. He wanted to remember me smiling.

So, I walked outside in the blistering snow, I smiled and said I love you. I walked a couple steps more and looked back. He stood outside and waved back at me. Wanting to drown myself in tears but knowing how much he loves my smile and I needed to leave him with a sense of happiness, I smiled with pride and hurt.

I went home and was left with immense of sadness. I put everything he gave me inside my apartment and got into his favorite sweatpants he let me keep. I did not eat at all that day but I couldn't bring myself to eat anything. I stood there in my kitchen feeling so empty.

20 minutes later, Milinda texted me saying he needs me to bring him to Mohegan Sun and that his boss' son was stuck somewhere due to the first wintery snow storm. Quickly, I changed into jeans and headed outside. The weather condition was extremely bad. I drove slowly and arrived to his house which was 2 minutes away.

Seeing his face again left me feeling relieved and at the same time, tortured.He kissed me and I drowned myself in his presence. Just minutes ago, I thought I was never going to see him again and now he's here in front of my eyes. I thought to myself, could this be real? The smell of his colonge left me realizing, this was not a dream.

Finally, we got to Mohegan Sun and I parked at the bus depot area as he ran inside to check the bus schedule. The next bus was just minutes away. My heart sank. I wanted to spend more time with him.

He turned to me and said, "I will be coming back before I fly out. I promise. I will text you."

He gave me a kiss and I remained dumbfounded and speechless. He's coming back? I knew I had to fool my heart that he wasn't because I did not want to set myself up for disappointment.

I watched him go inside and slowly I drove away with my heart foolishly hoping for his return...

family feud...

2007-12-10T17:55:00.000-05:00

Just as soon as I thought everything was going well, I was wrong. I always jump into conclusions. I got into a huge fight with my cousin and I am left wondering if it is worthy to fight anymore. She does not see what is going on. She is only seeing one side of the entire feud. She was upset I did come for Amaya's birthday and she has to understand I was NOT invited and I did not want to go and feel unwelcome because the chances of that are pretty high. She got pressed and told me I should talk to my aunt but she has to understand my aunt isn't the easiest person to sit down and talk to and I would constantly be defeated by her. Once she believes I am like my own father, everything else is tarnished.

I don't know. She said she gives up and I said, you know what? Me too. It is so sad because we connect in a different way. I connect each of my cousins in a different way and I cherish all of them! I am just hoping it is not the end of things because she means a lot to me.

My older cousin is coming to stay over my place this weekend and I am stoked. I am extremely broke at the moment but I am not going to let it pull me down because there is way for things to work out on its own. I will later update on what happens during the weekend.

Milinda is leaving in just 2 days and I am not sure how will I deal with it just yet. It hasn't hit me that he is really going but when it does, I just hope I can take it easily. I wrote him a good-bye letter last night and imprinted a kiss at the end of it. I will be seeing him tonight and I will let you know how it goes.

Until then, xx.

2007-12-09T15:21:00.000-05:00

I think I have never been happier. Despite all that frustrations I have been through the past couple months, I found myself driving home with a smile. I ended up shedding a tear because I have finally realized that EVERYTHING does happen for a reason. I know how I wish some things went the way I wanted it to but it wasn't the plan He simply had for me. I just have to trust him and then things will go as I wished. There is a reason why I went through so much sadness one person should never endure at such a young age. It just made me a whole lot stronger and made me appreciate life so much more. I appreciate every little detail life has to offer.

I think my cousin Meagan can see that I am finally at peace. I think I have ended every ongoing battle within. For the past week, I have been dreaming of my ex-boyfriend and I had no idea why he kept appearing in my dream. Then one day, couple days ago, I logged in my old screenname and he IMed me. We spoke BRIEFLY and that was it. That night and the next, I never dreamt of him again. I believe it was just my subconscious telling me that I needed closure. Now that I have it, I am so relieved.

Winter is definitely here. It is supposed to snow today and the next few days. Something about the cold and the snow just lifts my heart up to a higher place. I think Winter is one of the greatest miracles. It brings people closer together. People fall in love. Families get together. I wish I could say it worked miracles for my family but I know it has for others. My family is an exception. Those stubborn minds will later regret what they have missed that was standing right in front of them. That's okay. I am just going to cherish the family members that WANT to be in my life as much as I want them to be in mine. They are worth the aggravation. I love you, my cousins.

For the rest of the people who knows this blog address and knows me personally, you have a place in my heart and I am forever grateful for your presence.

...a season of joy?

2007-12-06T16:55:00.000-05:00

I had to run to the library just to write in this. I have so many things bottled up inside and Im about to explode. This is definitely my little corner where I can just let everything out.

I saw Milinda Tuesday night and it was bittersweet. Milinda and I sat down to talk. He told me that the chances of us seeing each other again is slim to none. I asked him why and thought that he wanted me to visit him at Sri Lanka but he said he doesnt want me to spend money just to see him. He told me that his mother wants him to get married and that she is looking for someone for him to marry. He looked at me with such a sad face and said he is going to wish that the girl is me and that he hopes whoever he marries has such a big heart like I do. I looked at him and surprisingly the thought of him getting married to someone else did not upset me. I think I saw this coming. My heart knew. He asked me if we both were married to someone else, would we still talk and be friends? I told him I would like that but Im worried of what his wife would think or say. He said she wouldnt have to know because he has too many responsibilities once he gets married. I told him if I ever meet a potential husband I will tell the "potential" about him. I will tell him that Milinda and I were once in love but it wasn't written in the stars for us and we are more than happy to be friends. I told Milinda that I am so glad I met him because if it wasn't for him, I would still be with my ex and I would be so unhappy. I told him that because of him, I left him. Im going back to school because he believed in me and that he put me back at the right path I was once on. I looked into his eyes and said, I think you were meant to be my angel. He got teary and kissed me. It was inevitable. The talk put my emotions at ease. I am going to miss him but for the VERY FIRST time, I have loved someone and put their happiness as a priority. My jealousy did not take control... this is simply love. I now know. I hope I will gain that experience and knowledge and have a better relationship in the future.

Wednesday morning, I went to Three Rivers Community College (TRCC) to register for classes and everything went smoothly. I am going to take English K101, Sociology, Personal Health, and Computer Applications. Those are on my requirements in order to graudate for an A.S. in Human Services. I have classes from 615pm - 930pm on Monday - Thursday. I think it works out just fine because I am a night owl and I would probably focus better.

I have been having weird dreams lately and it has been leaving me shook up. One night, I had a dream I saw Freedom (my cat) just walked and laid in the sun and I kissed her and she was perfectly fine. I was around the corner and turned back and saw all of my family members around her and I knew something was wrong. Quickly, I ran back home and found a sheet over her and I cried so hard and that was the end of the dream. I woke up and held Freedom dearly. I am not sure what the dream meant. The next night I had a dream once again but it was different. I had a dream that I was out with friends and my father told me to come and visit my grandparents. I told him I would be there at a certain time but only that I was late. Just an hour late and my father told me my grandma has been asking for me and I told him I will be there in like 20 minutes. When I got there, she was gone. I cried. I was left with so much guilt. She was waiting for me and asking for me and I wasnt there before she left. She died in a church which was odd to me and the setting was familiar. Ive had a dream about the place before but I never went to such place. The other strange fact about it was my grandpa was alive in the dream. I was left confused. Again, Im not sure what the dream meant. If I had to guess, I would think that it was telling me I should see her more often. Im scared to dream...

This month is chaotic. Saturday, I have to pick up Skyla and bring her to Milindas house and then drop her off at Barbaras house around midnight. Sunday, Im going to go to Vernon and see my cousin Meagan. Monday - Wednesday, I will be with Milinda as I say my good byes. Thursday, probably clean up the apartment. Friday - Sunday, I will be having a slumber party with my cousin Meagan over. Friday morning, I will have an appointment with my advisor from TRCC to write memos to professors about accommodations in the classroom. Monday the 17th, I will be getting my new digital hearing aids!!! That's all I know for now.

I am truly furious right now. Its december 6th and Christine hasnt even send in her application to Gallaudet University. So, I told her she can pay $90 for the rent and SUBMIT her application tomorrow (friday december 7th) NO LATER! And that she has to owe me $20 for her rent. Im truly pissed and a bit stressed out because if she doesnt get accepted that means she will take the car and I will be left without any transportation and I need it in order to go to school and work. sigh. I don't know because Gallaudet is going to be on its christmas break and there wouldnt be anyone there until the spring semester starts and she is applying for the spring semester. ARGH! I feel so used. I let her stay so she can go to school and get back on her feet but instead she blows it all off and ends up nowhere better? She has been procrastinating everything as if nothing means anything to her. I told her that she disgusts me.

Okay, now that I have vented. I think I feel a little bit better... hopefully.

This is supposed to be a season of joy, blah, not feeling it.

sea of emotions..

2007-11-29T17:00:00.000-05:00

yesterday, i went to my roommate, christine's parents house for dinner. her sister and her sisters boyfriend dominic were there. we all had a satisfying meal. we had honey ham, squash, green beans and mashed potatoes. i was stuffed. it felt like thanksgiving all over again. being at christines house i can experience what being in a family feels like. they treat me with care and love. they have me help around and dry pots and pans as if i was their own. they give me a listening ear and advices. they let me know that if i ever need anything -- to go to them. im definitely keeping them close because they have been nothing but good to me.

i just read my cousin meagans journal and she said that my aunt wasnt going to be there for her on her big day just because i will be there - infuriates me! i have no problem with being in the same room with her even if she keeps lashing out on me and just exactly why can't she just put aside her little inner war to be there for her own daughter. the last time we got together was at easter and i was really worried about showing up with my dad. my dad said he is just going there for his brother and his nieces because they matter to him and he would speak to my aunt and such. i was very proud of him. oddly enough, my aunt and my dad had conversations in the kitchen while me and my cousins were watching a movie in the living room... i thought we had a good time... and its been almost a year and...looks like no improvement has been made. my dad wants to get together again... there is one thing that bothers my dad. my uncle only VPs him when my aunt is away at springfield college and that makes him feel inferior as his brother. i told him at least he made an effort to contact you. he feels as if my aunt has him wrapped around her finger...i LOVE my aunt and i want her back. in fact, i want my FAMILY back. if there's a christmas or a new years wish, this would be it.

i saw milinda today. i brought him to the mall for him to return and exchange some of the things he bought on the black friday sale. it was short but sweet. he is really leaving on the 12th. he took some pictures of me with his new digital camera and my eyes were soooo blue. he looked a bit sad and i asked him and he said he was going to miss me very much because i keep making him laugh. im going to miss him too. the more closer his departure gets... the more i see things clearly. he was meant to be in my life for a reason, even just for these mere 5 months. i have grown and learned so much about myself since i met him. he is definitely an angel of mine.

tomorrow i will be getting a christmas tree and then setting it up! im so excited. i will also have to help christines mom get ready for the baby shower for her sister that is coming up on this sunday. i also have an appointment with three rivers to register for classes, i cant wait! =D

saturday, going to sleep over at christine's sisters house to bake magic cookie bars and get ready.

sunday, decorate the place and then attend to the baby shower.

im going to be so busy and time is going by so quickly. i feel im getting older by the minute, lol.

everything feels just right. life is starting to fall in place and im hoping that FINALLY life will be as how it should be very soon.

i better go.

until then..

rantings..

2007-11-27T16:56:00.000-05:00

Its been a couple days since I last posted and not a damn has happened. I relaxed the entire sunday and unfortunately, I couldnt get out of that mode so I relaxed some more on monday.

I was supposed to go and do some errands on monday but I was too lazy to even get out of bed. I think my insomnia is slowly coming back and I am not too happy about that.

Hmm, random thoughts: I want to lose 15 pounds. I was looking through my pictures from when I was in high school and I didnt realize that I looked seemingly thin. At 145, I looked like I was 125. I know I weight 167 but people would have never guessed because I look 145. I want to go to the gym but I need some butt kicking first or I am never going to go. I need to start eating a bit more as well. I would just have one big meal and that's it for the day.

Another random thought I had yesterday: I wish I kept the baby. I was pregnant two winters ago and I WAS going to keep the baby. Up until me and my aunt did not get along and I realized I couldn't have the baby living under that household. (no offense to anybody -- but I am sure Meagan understands my point of view.) I felt a bit suffocated and trapped in the house. Having my cousins around every day was the highlight of my stay! I know my aunt loves me and vice versa but I hate how she points out everything that sets me apart from her daughters. I remember the last time we got together, I was so thrilled that Amaya was wearing some black eyeliner! I never thought my aunt would allow that and then I was like, "hey, shes finally wearing eyeliners." I was shot down. "So? Look at you, you're worse, you have face makeup, blush, and everything else and she just has an eyeliner." My dad was standing beside me and saw the whole thing. I just looked at her and I was READY to BITCH but I just bit my tongue and smiled and looked away.

Why can't my own family look at the GOOD things i have done instead of the bad things i have done? Everybody is allowed to make mistakes in life. Thats the only way they can grow!

Meagan and I feel like the outcasts of the family. I lead a different lifestyle from them and Meagan, I quite don't see what the heck is wrong with them! She is a hard worker and does nothing but keeps her things to herself. As far as I am concerned, she is mature than the rest of them!

I can't believe I am lashing out like this. I'm just a bit pissed...holidays are coming and I KNOW I'd never have the family I dream of....not unless I create my own.

Good news: Milinda is back working at 2nd shift!

Oy, I better end this depressing post.

Thanksgiving Rush

2007-11-23T23:46:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving was real quiet and sweet. I went to my friends house, Barbara (my dads ex girlfriend but a REALLY good friend of ours.) Her roommate was there along with the roommates brother and Barbara's best friend Sandy. Just the six of us.

I got there and my dad and I VPed my grandma and she looked so happy to see us and told us that my cousins are setting up the christmas tree. My two younger cousins still has the christmas spirit. I love Christmas. Snow flakes, Christmas songs, Christmas trees and lights, having the fireplace going, snuggling under the covers with thermals, eating candy cane, and sipping hot chocolate soon as coming in from being outside and ending up with rosy cheeks.

Anyway, Grandma said she wants to move to Connecticut to be closer to the family. I would love that even though I am grandpa's little girl. I think my grandma thinks highly of my cousins than she does of me because I lead a different lifestyle. I wear revealing and tight clothes. I use makeup and dangling earrings with high heels. She even knows Im sexually active because I was pregnant before. And I had/have boyfriends outside my race and religion. I remember my grandma found out I had a tongue piercing and she got upset and was disgusted about it until my younger cousin showed her tattoo and she was ooh-ahhing over it. WTF??? Tattoos are PERMANENT and my tongue piercing is NOT! And its not THAT visible. Ugh. I feel like the black sheep of the family.

After the call, I went and ate some bread, salami, italian cheese and roasted peppers with olive oil and garlic. Its an traditional Italian snack before meal and it was delicious. Soon after, we had antipasta with sausages and meatball. We discussed about how Italian families would only eat with homemade sauce or ONLY Classico. Hmm. LOL and that Sandys sons ex girlfriend lied about having cancer for one whole month. She was wearing wigs and such and said she was scheduled for surgery that certain day and when the day came, he called the hospital and they said they never heard of her and then he called her father and he said...what? She doesn't even have cancer. Right there and then, her son decided its over...after being together for 2 whole years. What kind of person in her frame of mind would LIE about that? She must have some other mental illness.

After that, daddy, donnie (roommates brother) and I went to the basement to play pool. It was called 101. Its an Canadian game. It was really close scored game. We were interuppted half way by telling us that the mail course is ready. So we went upstairs and had turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans, stuffing, cranberry, and rolls. Then we went back downstairs and we all played - the 6 of us.

After the game ended, we had dessert. They had Lemon Merigene, Pecan pie and pumpkin cheesecake. I had pumpkin cheesecake with raspberry chocolate chip ice cream. It was alright.

Dad dropped me off home and we had my cheesecake. =) it was good for a first timer, LOL.

It was midnight and I did a milk and honey mask because my face was getting dry and showered and then at 330am, I was off to pick up Milinda and we drove to best buy.

That's when our Black friday shopping begun.

We stood outside in the cold for an hour from 4 to 5am and we went inside and waited in a LONG line and finally Milinda got the Canon camera he wanted and we walked out at 630am. Across the street was JcPenney and we went there and he bought 7 jeans in different sizes (for people back in Sri Lanka) and 2 shirts for himself and then left at 730am and headed for Kohls. We got there to look some jeans for his sister, Sola, and found her size, 7. We got her 3 jeans and 2 shirts. He threw some jeans in the pile too and the line was like a 30 minute wait. After Kohls, we went to walmart and we were looking at jewelry and I did not see any I liked. We looked around and I ended up finding a big Care Bear and I chose Bedtime Care Bear. He got that for me and at 1030am we were finally done. We sat in the car and talked. Then on the way home, I stopped by at the cemetary to see Grandpa and Milinda wanted to come with me so he was behind me, holding my hand and kissing my cheek as I was "talking" to Grandpa. Then we went home.

Milinda is SLOWLY starting to open up in public when it comes to showing affection. He holds me, takes my hand, puts his arms around me, kisses my cheek and my forehead, LOL. Its cute to watch him get comfortable.

We got home and we had my thanksgiving left overs and we ate EVERYTHING! And then we made love and simply passed out at 130pm. I was up for more than 24 hours.

At 9pm, Milinda and I woke up to slowly nudging eachother with our noses letting eachother know we are awake and we want kisses, LOL. While we were awaken enough, we made love again and then Milinda went to the shower as I made up his bed and left him a little note on his pillow. He came back and he said I was so beautiful and im like what? I have bed hair and I look TIRED! LOL. Im going to miss him.

Before I left, he gave me 2 jeans and it turned out to be the 2 jeans he threw in the pile. The jeans I told him I liked and he remembered my size when I told him a while ago. WOW! I was blushing and gave him a long kiss.

I think he wanted to get me a laptop. He wanted me to get a laptop at Best Buy but it was only for the doorbusters so it ran out.

He's such a darling angel. Im back home and Im exhausted!!!

Black Friday shopping is ridiculous, I think. People are hostile. I kept getting banged with stupid carts! Kids were being spoiled and parents were maximizing their credit card limit. I befriended a couple of people though. Maybe I shed some good aura that other people can feel, LOL. Would I do it again? Only if I KNOW what exactly I want/need to get, LOL.

Now, I can't wait to set up a christmas tree and see snow accumlate on the ground. =)

I hope Meagan is happy with my update! Love you cuz!

xx

...just another day.

2007-11-21T14:30:00.000-05:00

Life has been going rather well. I haven't done much due to the Thanksgiving break coming up. I have been watching more movies and reading books lately. While I was with my ex boyfriend, I rarely picked up a book. People who has known me since I was a child knows I love to read. I think my cousin and I are the only ones in the family that loves to beside my dad.

Dad used to tell me that Grandpa would spoil him all the time. I wondered how did he used to spoil him? He'd simply tell me that Grandpa would buy him all the books he wanted. I am glad he did because it is one of his favorite memories of him. Speaking of Grandpa, I miss him. I still think he is alive literally every day. On his birthdays and random days, I would stop by his grave just to say hi and tell him what has been happening and pray. I am even loyal to DEAD people. I'm quite strange, haha.

I just finished reading "One child" by Torey Hayden yesterday all in four hours with snack breaks in between. It is amazing how a child who has been neglected of love learn how to protect themselves. It is truly sad that they have to learn that at such a young age. I am totally the opposite. I was neglected of affection and love and yet I still crave for it. I drawn myself to anyone who shows me the slightest affection and literally drown myself into what they have to offer but before I can guard myself, I always end up getting hurt. People always take advantage of my dedication when it comes to love. Torey Hayden has more books similar to "One child" so I am definitely going to pick that up today.

I found myself falling asleep with my mind spelling out words I barely use. Those vocabularies are some bigger words than I normally use. I don't know if it is my mind preparing myself for college in a few weeks or I'm getting smarter when I sleep, HAHA!

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I am going to be spending it at Barbara's house along with my dad and a few other people. It is not exactly how I want to spend my thanksgiving. Their food is normally... creamy. Er. Not exactly how I like my food. I just wish I could spend it with my family, hmph.

I am thinking about making cheesecake for the first time on my own today. So I can give some to Milinda and my dad.

Speaking of Milinda, I can't believe he is leaving in TWENTY days. My heart aches just the thought of not being able to go to him for my sanity, some protection and some warm hugs and loving kisses. I am hoping I will get to see him a bit more often than usual. He texted me this morning saying he misses me. He knows how to make my day. I just hope we will stay in touch when he goes....I'll pray.

I have been in the library for the past hour and had 3 different people sit next to me and they all REEK! Gosh!

anyway, signing out

HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

xxx

...what a life.

2007-11-19T14:15:00.000-05:00

My cousin has gotten a blog of her own to vent in and I thought I should do the same as well. A personal place for me to vent my daily ongoings and things I need to get off my chest.

Life has been truly chaotic. As lucky as I feel in life at this moment, I feel like I am going to lose everything I have overnight.

This amazing man who has swept me off my feet and stole my heart at first sight... is leaving. He is moving back to his country, Sri Lanka, on December 12th. He is my best friend and he is someone I go to make me smile. He restored my faith, my dreams and my confidence after a really LONG bad relationship. In my eyes and to my heart, he is perfect. Why is it when I finally find someone who treats me the way I deserve to be treated -- has to always leave?

Nothing is ever promised to me. Everyone keeps disappearing or leaving me. I don't know how much more of this I can take. For it has been happening all my life, I learned to stop making friends. I would isolate myself from the world and shut doors on beautiful people.

I'm simply scared to death to open my heart to someone again. I love this man with all my heart but for some reason, the timing is not right. He wants me to visit him someday and I want to do so.

On top of it all, I LONG desperately for a normal family. I know my cousin and I wish for the very same thing. If I had a "normal" family, I think my life would have been much easier. As for now, I am GRATEFUL to have my cousin, Meagan. If you are reading this, I would be so LOST without you! You keep me sane when I am on the edge of losing my sanity. Even talking to you for five minutes a day HELPS! I love you!

I am going to try to keep up with this blog. It may be good for me. Some sort of therapy, ha.

until then, hugs and kisses.